Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. 3. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. ? It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? I hope what goes around comes around. There are ways to work this out without going crazy or ruining your marriage. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Probably not the last. ChickenNugget She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Not sure what youre talking about. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. Like other things in life, it has its problems. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. What do I mean? It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Talk about sweet! The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. 4. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. What changed all of a sudden? June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. I hate my husband. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. This article will provide the answers you need. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? Keep up the good work! For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. And it is stressful and daunting. Maybe shes depressed. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Right now I hate my husband. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Hes feeding her a line. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. I get that living there is hard for you. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. Maybe she needs a more active social life. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. . If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Even life is full of ups and downs. It wasnt the red wedding. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. 2. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. So, get your own place. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Raccoon eyes We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. I loved this response! She didnt know what she was signing up for. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. So you talk to your husband and you move out. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. something random Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Not My Promise. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Id look into a home health aide. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. It ended up being the best thing for her. Skyblossom It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. something random It does not have to be living with her. Sunshine Brite It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. . I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. . Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. * Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Put her in an elderly home already! . If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. May 9, 2022 by by Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. . It can pave the way for a better relationship. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. honeybeenicki Dear Wendy Is that right? Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Well, you need to stop that. Well, you need to stop that. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Giving care is one thing. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. )and its very different. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our.
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